DAMMIT, I HATE MABLE!
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Stanchurian Candidate AU. And so it's come to this...a deliciously cruel hate song sang by Slenderman. A parody of 'God, I hate Shakespeare' by 'Something rotten'.
1. Chapter 1

**DAMMIT, I HATE MABLE!**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...responses...

Gamelover41592: I'll take care of it now

RasenganFin: Sorry, couldn't find the message that explained it in more detail and I couldn't remember.

The Howling Behemoth: huh, good idea. Thanks

...

All the residents of Gravity Falls had gathered at the townhall to see their new mayor, at first it seemed like Tyler Cutebiker would be in charge...but then he slipped on an icy patch and got decapitated...and now a completely unknown by the name of **S** tanley **Lenderman** was in office.

At first he just did some weird things...like make polygamy legal, lower the age of consent to 12 and any lumberjack girls who marry will be allowed to chop the 'golden forest'(called the Wendip initiative)

Both Dipper and Wendy blush at this...

And to encourage inter-class relationships any rich girl that marries a poor boy will have their family's wealth tripled-

"Works for me!" Shouts Preston Northwest as the Dipifica initiative was passed...much to Pacifica and Dipper's embarrassment.

Then things...got dark.

 **All 'cute' pigs will be euthanized.**

 **All colorful sweaters are banned**

 **All 'crazy' girls will be publicly flogged.**

 **All braces are now outlawed and will be ripped from mouths**

Everyone just gaped in horror at these new laws...especially Mable. Dipper summoned up his courage and pipped up, "uh, sir? All these laws seem hostile toward my sister Mable-

"OH! Don't get me started on Mable!" Shouts the ordinary looking man onstage.

"Okay." Said Stan with a grunt.

"She's the worst part of this whole thing!" Continues the man as the room is filled with song while he groans-

 **(music starts)**

 **Oh, dammit, I hate Mable!**

The room gasps

 **That's right, I said it.**

 **(No!)**

Shouts everyone.

 **I do, I hate Mable.**

 **(Why?)**

Asks a shocked Dipper.

 **Because I just don't get it**

 **How a spoiled little brat who thinks Param is a llama**

 **Is constantly escaping some much needed karma**

 **Oh, dammit, I hate Mable!**

 **She's suffocating to the absurd,**

 **but Oh, no, the 'great' Mable**

 **That little turd**

 **She has no Sense about when her loved one's are in danger**

 **They would do best to exchange her for a thumb.**

 **The bitch doesn't care that her poor friend's black eye is now numb!**

He sings while pointing to a now bewildered Wendy-

Several of Mable's friends jump up to defend her in chorus form-

 **How can you say that? How can you say that?**

 **(It's easy, your all thinking it. She's a hypocritical, little prick)**

 **Don't be a penis, her comedy is a genius**

 **(Oh, come on, you only like her when Dipper sucks her dick!)**

Dipper and Mable vomit...

Candy walks up and begins to sing in a bishonen way-

 **But the love they have for each other is brilliant, I know it.**

 **Such platonic love is worthy of great poets**

The man rolls his eyes...

 **A labler wouldn't be able to do them justice as they bring joy to our lives...**

 **(Uh, huh. And what will happen when their forty and enabler/co-dependent 'love' is STILL preventing them from living their own lives?)**

Candy frowned on that confused...

 **"Uh...let me think about that..."**

Admitted Candy awkwardly.

The man just shakes his head

 **You should hate Mable**

Everyone gasps

 **(Well, I don't, I try to congratulate Mable)**

Said Candy stubbornly.

 **with a person who'd throw you under the bus for a pig could you truly call her a friend?**

Mocks the man.

 **Sheesh, what's put you around the bend?**

Asks Pacifica astounded.

 **It was around the time she was dumb enough to split up the group inside a creepy bunker!**

Admits the man.

A chorus of friends once more jump to her defense-

 **How can you say that? How can you say that?**

 **She's loyal, courageous and cares about us all!**  
 **You wish she would praise you, we know she'd daze you.**

 **(I just want to punch her in the BAAAALLLLLSSSS!)**

Mable whimpers as she covers her groin.

Candy steps up to the man.

"You can't deny all the good she's done: piggy play time, cat-pictures, knitting circle kung-fu-

 **And that's another thing I hate about Mable!**

Shouts the man as he tosses Candy away.

 **Is all that twits who gush about Mable**

 **And how they prattle on even when she's had NO accomplishments without Dipper's help**

 **Well la-di-da-di-da**

 **And once they start the gushing**  
 **There's no stopping them and then it's**

 **Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah Mable**

 **And she walks in it's**  
 **Dum-de-dum-ta-da Mable!**

 **She's holding court and she say's:**

He begins in a mocking/baby-voice.

 **"I'm such a great matchmaker even though my dating record is a joke!**

 **And forget about me helping my brother Dipper find love because even though he saves my life I think he's such a joke!"**

 **And they're all "ooh" and she's all "stop"**  
 **And they're all "cute" and I'm all "*retch*!"**

 **And you know that Dipper will still be babysitting her when she's EIGHTY!**

He suddenly flings his podium to the ground

 **And oh, oh, oh!**

He smashes his podium enraged and stomps it to bit's.

 **Oh, I hate MABLE!**

Everyone sighs exasperated.

 **(I think by now, we sort of Know you hate Mable)**

 **YOUR DAME RIGHT!**

 **The way she's skeptical of all things supernatural even after two seasons.**

 **The way she refuses to learn any lessons no matter the reasons**

 **The way everything HAS to revolve around her even though she doesn't do shit**

 **An ungrateful little bitch who I just can't tolerate**

 **The poster child for why No one should ever procreate**

 **Let me make a shorter list** **And I will give it to you straight**

 **Every little thing about Mable**

 **Is what I hate!**

Against their better judgement, the chorus begins again-

 **(Hates, he hates)**

 **(He clearly surely, really, truly)**  
 **(Hates Mable!)**

 **Don't hate!**

Shouts Mable.

 **CRACK!**

And gets a chair to her face for her troubles...

…III...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: The song is a parody of 'God I hate Shakespeare' by 'something Rotten'**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **AN: I am rewriting this story and continuing it in 'Tales of the falls'(it'll be easier to keep track of)  
**

 **As for the rate of updating; that depends on real life, inspiration, will of my lord and savior Jesus Christ...and bribing me with 'Shake up the falls chapters.**

 **Yes, for every ONE chapter of my 'Tales of the Falls' challenge you make, I'll have THREE stories of YOUR choosing updated.**

 **...as long as they follow the requirement below:**

 **SHAKE UP THE FALLS: CHALLENGE!**

 **Primary Objective:**

 **Tired of fanfictions just copying cannon and not doing anything really different? Well, I am!**

 **So I say we do a 'deconstruction' of Dipper and Mabels 'sibling bond'! Through the following-**

 **(BEGIN FLASH-FORWARD)**

 ** _A forty-something year old Dipper enters his parents house and takes off his fast-food uniform with a sigh as he looks down at his meager paycheck._**

 ** _A forty-something Mabel (wearing a crazy sweater and surrounded by dozens of cats); looks up._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Guess what!? I made a 50 ft butterfly made of comics...which I then set ablaze! I'm still the goddess of destruction!...also the police are here again to fine us for burning stuff without a permit...also for unintended arson damage to the neighbors house"_**

 **" _Wait, what!?" Shouts Dipper just as a policeman steps out of the shadows and snatches up Dipper's paycheck._**

 **" _Ah, come on man! I worked overtime the whole week at the drive-through to earn that!" Shouts Dipper. But the Officer had already left._**

 ** _Dipper feels a drop of water on his head...the ceiling was leaking..._**

 **" _I also created a new water slide for Waddles!"_**

 ** _CRASH!_**

 ** _The ceiling gives way as a giant hog crashes down and breaks the floor; water soaking everything!_**

 ** _The cats scatter in panic; breaking various household objects as they do so._**

 ** _Mabel laughs at this. "Ah, they're cute when their crazy!" She shouts as she takes a picture of them._**

 ** _Dipper sighs as he goes to check the emergency fund...only to find it empty..._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Can we have Pizza tonight!? Duck-tective will be on!" Shouts the ever cheerful yet oblivious Mabel._**

 ** _Dipper just hangs his head...and cries..._**

 ** _(FLASH-FORWARD END)_**

 **What I just showed you was a peek into a future after Gravity falls, where Mabel no longer needs to fear growing up...because she doesn't have to! Why would she need to when she has a pushover brother who is willing to sacrifice everything: never getting married, never being independent, never having a life of his own to make her happy?!(in other words: An Enabler/Co-dependent relationship)  
**

 **You can give this vision to whoever you want: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Pacifica, Stan, Ford, Soos, etc- You can have it sent to them at any time in the series, or have them sent back in time, or do a Peggy Sue! And have them use this knowledge to shatter cannon!**

 **Also Bill Cipher's threat needs to be taken more seriously!(I'm talking actual full-on Armageddon preparation after his first appearance!) And they need to take Gideon seriously when he sends the creepy letters and hosts his TV show(You don't have to kill him, but the Pines Family have to at least Neutralize him...or make some kind preparation to fight him when he breaks out). EXAMPLE: Mable is forced to take Dipper more seriously and not mess with him to survive or The realization that she and her loved one's might die at the end of the summer make Wendy not so hung up on the whole 'age gap' with Dipper and goes out with him.  
**

 **Also, the hero's need to be proactive! When Gideon starts sending creepy letters and making television broadcasts, they need to take care of him(kill or neutralize; either works). All that matters is that they strike first at the first sign of trouble; And don't just have them wait around and do nothing!  
**

 **NO LEMONS, LIMES, YAOI, YURI OR INCEST PLEASE! I HATE THAT STUFF...  
**

 **Secondary objective: the following episodes can't end as they did in cannon!(especially if your doing a Crossover!) If you want to kill Wendy and have Pacifica be the rebound fine. Or you could have Wendy give Dipper a chance after saving him from ghosts...have them go on a couple dates(this can even happen off-screen if it's easier)...Wendy decides it's not going to work...and then land Pacifica on the rebound(that works too) Just do something different!(conversely, you could also just give Pacifica Tyrone and Dipper could have Wendy...just saying...everyone would be happy...)**

 **"The Inconveniencing".(it annoyed me that no one did anything with Wendy's 'stare at wall and rethink everything' statement, I'd appreciate some help there)  
**

 **Time Travelers Pig(call it semantics if you must, but I would never let a girl get hurt just to save a pig. Mabel's just going to have to suck it up and learn she can't have everything)(I'd recommend using Steven Universes 'The Answer' as a template(or it's Aesop at least)) The ending can't be cannon! Especially if your doing a crossover!(Endings where BOTH Waddles and Wendy are saved are also okay)  
**

 **Fight Fighters(none of this band-aid solution 'hate each other in silence' stuff! I want to see an aftermath! Have Wendy find out the truth and be mad at both of them if you have to! Just do something different!**

 **Little Dipper(I would prefer you just skip this episode entirely to be honest) (Or better yet, use Steven Universes 'Too short to Ride' episode as a template)(But if you do, do this episode...skip the 'twins idiotically Argue over the crystal instead of saving themselves and their home from Gideon' Scene. Have Dipper punch out Mabel and use the crystal. Or have Mabel punch out Dipper to use the crystal! Just do something different! Especially if it's Crossover! In that case have someone else punch them and use the crystal!)Considering what Dipper just sacrificed for Mable in Time travelers pig...I've always felt that Mable was more then a bit ungrateful and mean in this episode...  
**

 **Boyz Crazy(I actually have no problem with the ending here believe it or not, but I was annoyed that it was rendered somewhat meaningless since there was no aftermath(between Dipper and Wendy anyway). So...you know...go do your thing. I would recommend using Steven universes 'week of Sardonyx' Arc as a template)**

 **Into the Bunker((take a deep breath)look, you can handle the shipping however you want. But you have to have Mabel equally punished for the trouble(it is her fault they were locked in there in the first place after all). (Preferably where Wendy and Dipper are mad at Mabel and refuse to forgive her.)(their also needs to be an aftermath, Dipper having an honest, real conversation with Wendy about how he still has feelings for her and where they go from here. I'd recommend using Steven Universe episodes 'Mr Greg' or 'we need to talk' as templates)(also please just skip 'Roadside attraction' entirely, please)(if your doing a crossover, and bring someone else down there with them, you have to have them stop Mabel from locking Dipper up!  
**

 **Northwest mansion Noir:(Groan) so much wasted potential. Pacifica's parents just forgive her? Nothing comes from the shipping? Pacifica was nearly killed by Wendy's ancestor, and nothing comes from that?)(P.S. I'm aware that a lot of people have actually fixed that in their fics(for which I'm grateful), I just feel that it needs to be said)**

 **Mabel and Dipper v.s. the future(you do what you want with this...just don't make things so ridiculously one-sided and place all the blame on Dipper as it did in cannon(also, Dipper has to find out about Mabel's deal with Bill))**

 **Tertiary objective:**

 **Dipper V.S. Manliness: I always thought it weird that their was no girl(be it Wendy, pacifica, Tambry, or candy, etc) during his 'man trials'. Whether to beat him at being a 'man', laugh at his loincloth(or if he loses said loincloth, make him embarrassed), be inadvertently a crucial part of his 'trial', or just along for the ride...I just think it's a story possibility that should be explored is all... I also feel that Stan's hypocrisy for badmouthing ABBA while he himself watches 'The Duchess Approves' should be explored...as well as Dipper getting mad at Mable ridiculing him after everything he's done for her,  
**

 **Carpet Diem: It always bugged me that nobody cared about Dippers leg getting chewed off by a wolf, A woodpecker biting out his tongue, or his personal belongings getting vandalized...Don't just slap a band-aid solution 'Status-Quo' approved ending on it...make Dipper mad at Mabel for putting him through all that! Have it be a long messy fight! If you make them reconcile...they BOTH have to earn it!(especially Mable)  
**

 **Summerween: Why is it so horrible for Dipper to want to celebrate Halloween his own way? True, he shouldn't of lied, but slanting the episode to put him completely in the wrong for wanting to have fun his own way...was completely unnecessary! Pleas make this episode more balanced**

 **Dreamscape: For the most part I have no complaints about the episode, but it needs to be at least addressed that Stan only 'toughens' up Dipper while letting Mable do whatever she wants. Also, could someone PLEASE tackle Gideon when he's gloating about the Deed in front of the Pines?**

 **Soos and the real girl(I don't get why Melody should have to leave, I'd rather prefer she stayed and have a sub-plot going with Soos)**

 **Blendin's Game(I mostly had no problem with this...but it always bugged me that no one did anything with the 'young Wendy thinks Dipper is cute' storyline...some assistance here would be most appreciated)(I'd also like to see Wendy's reaction to that)  
**

 **Tale of two Stans:(I'm with my fellow fanficton writers. Their should have at least been a small rift popping up between Mabel and Dipper after Mabel trusted Stan over Dipper(Especially considering she prevented Ford from killing Bill!))**

 **Stanchurian Candidate: I feel it was rather selfish for Stan to put his pride over the safety of his family, when they reveal the mind-control to him and he gets mad, lay it on home how he's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about his family!**

 **The last MabelCorn:** **I feel it was rather selfish for Mable to put her needs over the safety of her family, you can keep the 'Unicorns are selfish jerks' revelation if you want, but also lay it on home how she's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about her family!**

 **Roadside Attraction:(Recommended by Emma Iveli) If you MUST do this episode, Mable has to give Dipper more advice then just 'move on'(seriously, it's a bit weird she didn't help him more with this considering how much she loves matchmaking and knows better then anyone else how socially awkward Dipper is) And she and Grunkle Stan need to get into a big argument over who's advice is more valid. (pointing out the hypocrisy of Mable badmouthing flirting with multiple people, when she dose the same would be funny)  
**

 **Weirdmagedon: (can't think of anything...save for wanting to see a fic. where Ford's Bill-Killing Gun actually works...and Maybe some more character development/bonding between Dipper Wendy...and possibly Pacifica)(Oh, having Wendy comfort Dipper over his 'You can't make someone fall in love, you can only be worthy of love' speech would be nice too)  
**

 **Escape from Reality: JUST BURST THE BUBBLE! Especially if it's a crossover! A 22 minute story wrapped up in 5 minutes! Mabel can just deal with it!(it would also be nice if Wendy, Pacifica, or SOMEONE comforted Dipper about not getting any Valentines, also it be nice if someone reminded Wendy and Soos that their friends and family are suffering and they need to rescue them before they go gallivanting in the bubble).  
**

 **Take Back the Falls: If your doing a crossover, you HAVE to have someone from the Crossover-verse SUCCESSFULLY stop Stan from breaking the circle. By threatening him with death or dismemberment if necessary!**

 **EX: Ford: "Him and I...Grammar Stanley"**

 **Stan is about to beat him...when he feels cold steel pressed against his back**

 **Undyne: "YOU %$ #% one foot from where you are, I'll #% &$%$ kill you!"**

 **Stan gulps nervously...but stays in his place...and the cipher is complete...**

 **NOTE: to all Wendip and Dipifica fans alike...have you considered just making a water proof Tyrone and giving him to Pacifica while Dipper has Wendy? You could literally have your cake and eat it too!**

 **ANOTHER note: crossovers with gravity Falls in this challenge are accepted and encouraged! Let your imagination run wild!(But ONLY as long as you don't have the people from said crossover-verse sitting around useless and not letting them change the plot(let the above 'stop Stan from ruining the circle' be your template for ANY other moments in Gravity falls Cannon)**

 **And one more thing...I'm well aware that this might not be some people's cup of tea...so if you want to adopt ANY of my stories...or give them to a friend/acquaintance. That's fine.**

 **This dose NOT mean I'm discontinuing my stories, I'm just trying to give you more options. I will also allow multiple adoptions, so more then one person can enjoy this!**

 **Well, that's more or less it, good hunting YAH'll!**

 **...**

 **ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! the publisher is Xlibris** ** **, also available at Inkitt, Amazon and BarnesandNoble.****


End file.
